Healing from anger issues

Celeste G.

I didn’t really realize that I had anger issues until I got married and had kids. Then I discovered that when my husband and I had arguments, I couldn’t let things go and would feel so wounded by him wanting to retreat from an argument that I would explode. This looked like being verbally abusive, and even throwing things or hitting him. I would feel so ashamed afterwards and apologize profusely. I desperately wanted to change. I eventually went to see a counselor and talked through different ways to communicate with my husband, and because I valued the relationship so deeply I managed to stop exploding with him. Unfortunately, this meant that a lot of anger was then directed at my kids. After years of struggling to manage my anger, I finally realized the need for a deep healing journey, to uncover the unconscious roots that were underneath the explosive rage. In the process I became very good at identifying my feelings underneath the anger, since anger is a secondary emotion. Knowing what those underlying feelings are has been very helpful for me, along with what my triggers are. I have also discovered some healthy ways to vent anger that don’t hurt other people that I could share with you. Today I still experience anger sometimes, everyone does, but it no longer controls my life and I don’t see it as an awful thing that I have to avoid or hold in until I just can’t anymore. Instead, it can be an indication of where I still need some healing, or a healthy emotion that I feel when someone hurts me that I can release or confidently express without doing damage.

Supporting a loved one through family estrangement

Aditya R.

A few years ago, my family went through a tough chapter. Right before the pandemic, my brother had a falling out with my mom and they became estranged for four years. It was painful for her to be cut off, especially from her grandchildren, and I could see how much it affected her emotionally. At first, I tried to fix it—I felt like I had to patch everything up. That didn’t work. I eventually realized I couldn’t control the situation, but I could be a steady presence for both of them. I helped my mom find other ways to stay connected with joy—encouraging her to stay active, find new outlets, and reflect honestly on how things got to where they were. I also gently guided her toward being open to hard, vulnerable conversations that could slowly open the door to healing. Over time, the ice began to thaw. While the relationship isn’t what it once was, they’re talking again, and there’s genuine progress. That experience showed me just how complicated—but possible—reconnection can be. And I’d love to be a sounding board for anyone trying to support a loved one through estrangement. It’s never a straight path, but you don’t have to walk it alone.

Helpful tools to handle complex situations at work

Dawne R.

For years, I worked in the corporate world and held a variety of other positions within my community as well. Over time, I was able to learn how to deal with a multitude of personality types, and can help you navigate complicated situations and varying communication skills.

Learning how to be complete with only yourself to allow a healthy relationship room to grow.

Katrina N.

My bad relationship journeys began in high school with the mistaken belief that I needed someone else to complete me, which led to poor relationship choices. After becoming disabled and losing my self-worth, I sought validation from older men, mistaking their attention for proof of my maturity. Sadly, they aimed to control me, leading to abuse and eventually spousal rape. At 36, as a mother, I hit a breaking point. After a year of expensive, intensive trauma therapy and EMDR, I entered my first healthy relationship. Many sessions were just me needing someone to just listen and understand. I could have saved a lot of money with a company like Warmer honestly! The point is, there is hope, but it starts with letting go of past beliefs and finding completeness within yourself. To be at peace with the silence of just yourself.

Relationship challenges and fostering understanding

Loretta H.

At 19, I moved in with my girlfriend, even though it wasn’t the best situation for me. Despite the challenges we faced, I remained calm and focused on showing empathy and understanding. I took the time to listen to her side and offered advice whenever I could, always trying to keep the peace and make the situation better. My journey has led me to work in peer support, where I have continued to use these skills to help others navigate difficult situations. In my role at a community service board, I’ve visited homes to counsel individuals, offering them a listening ear and guidance through their struggles. Through all of this, I’ve learned how important it is to approach tough situations with empathy and a willingness to understand the other person’s perspective. Now, I’m here to offer the same support to others who are facing challenges in their relationships, whether they’re navigating difficult living situations, co-parenting, or trying to heal from past struggles.

How anger manifests in your behavior

Sandy P.

But first, let me explain how it manifests for me. There's the obvious: I see or hear what I don't like and there's an immediate surge of energy from the gut. I feel like cursing, or striking out, or if in public, I want to ignore or hide from it. I struggle with competing desires: lose control or pretend it didn't happen. When I was a child, when my anger was prohibited, I would burst into tears and get ridiculed for it. And guess what!! It can happen to me today, many years later. I freeze up. There's a voice that says girl anger is not OK. Be NICE! says that insidious voice back in my mind. Sometimes, anger doesn't reveal itself through overt actions or impulses. For me, it can simmer beneath the surface and erupt at inappropriate times. Maybe it comes out as sneaky, passive resistance, or a biting comment or an icy silence. My internal struggle can be exhausting. Sometimes when it gets the best of me, I end up looking foolish. Then other times the anger morphs into something entirely different like anxiety or sadness or fear. It becomes a tangled web of emotions that are hard to identify and address. I find myself too sleepy, or agitated, roaming the house, raiding the refrigerator. While here at Fello we're not in the business of psychoanalyzing behavior, developing awareness of our inner workings is a good option for taking control of strong emotions that often work to our detriment. For me, they cause insomnia and overeating. Recognizing these patterns and trigger points within myself was my first step toward understanding and managing my anger. Understanding is crucial for personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships. By understanding myself a little bit better, I can better navigate these feelings and respond in ways that are constructive rather than destructive. It's such a relief to start having mastery over what can seem like a big, out of control monster!

Your caregiving challenges with your parent(s) or another adult

Sandy P.

I cared for my dad for 7 years, first in my home, then in his. Both situations posed unique challenges, uncertainty, and moments that tested our resilience. While building my psychotherapy business (you'd think that line of business would have been to my advantage, but not so!), he was dealing with the consequences of bladder cancer surgery. At my house, I had some authority; at his house, he wanted to take charge, often calling me by my mother's name. Through it all we had occasions where we heard what the other was trying to say. We even resolved a long-standing pet peeve of mine. I acted horribly at times, and he reciprocated. We each also had moments of great generosity. It brought out the best and the worst in us. My dad was conflicted about depending on me. He'd praise my dedication yet feared I might harm him with his medications. He appreciated having me as his daughter and resented my friendships outside the family. He'd team up with them to make fun of me. I had complicated feelings about having to leave my home as well as being the only child who could take on the caregiving task. So, we had moments of mutual unkindness and forgiveness. To cope he worked on many projects in his workshop, and I stayed long hours at my office. I realize now how toxic anger and resentment can be, especially if it's not totally conscious as such. But I see us as ultimately coping in our own way. And having balance in the end. If I were to do it over, I'd know that sharing our stress could have prevented unconscious reactions. Having a trusted outlet, like a Fello to confide in, would have provided perspective and tools for discussing delicate topics for each of us. Knowing someone else has had our experience would have been a huge relief. Talking about the relationship's negative aspects could have also made room for us to appreciate each other more, especially as time was running out for one of us. But we survived it all. We just kept plugging along and we were at peace in the end.